Guest Writer: Memorializing Infertility

Please welcome our first guest writer, Caitlin Helton! She kindly shares her unique method of memorializing her past infertility and moving on to the next step in her journey to parenthood: adoption. 
 

I can still remember that feeling of hopelessness when my doctor informed us that I had Diminished Ovarian Reserve.  My husband and I wanted nothing more than to have a baby. So even with that diagnosis, we marched on and went through a series of fertility treatments in hopes that we would beat the odds. After six failed IUI’s and thousands of dollars, we decided it was time to take a break and gather our thoughts. Our doctor told us we needed to either move on to IVF or consider adoption.  I’d heard of women going through several rounds of IVF, sometimes successful, sometimes not. I just couldn’t fathom one more injection, one more painful procedure, one more grueling test.  So, my husband and I decided to consider adoption. 

Caitlin and hubby with the memorial willow tree

As I do with everything in life, I threw myself into ‘adoption mode’-joining every adoption Facebook group I could find, getting my hands on every Adoption-101 book, talking with people I knew who had already adopted. We even met with an adoption attorney to learn the basics. I even created our adoption profile book in under two months and hadn’t even started saving for the home study.  My life was completely engulfed in adoption. 

 

Then it was pointed out to me that I had gone straight from infertility—to adoption, and never gave myself, and my husband, a chance to grieve. I guess I had pushed it down so deep so that I didn’t have to think about it. I started seeing a therapist who helped me learn how to grieve over the loss, because it is a loss. It’s a loss that not many people discuss and not many know about, but it is very real. She suggested we have a memorial service as a way to help with our closure, and suggested we plant a tree. Surprisingly, we both had always wanted to plant a willow tree, so it was very fitting. I wrote a little poem and set it under the tree before planting it. It was so cathartic and has really helped me to end that part of my story and continue on with the next chapter. I’m sure I will still have painful days ahead, but acknowledging this grief has helped me more than I ever thought possible.

Willow

It’s time to move on and end this chapter; we have tried our very best.

We wished and hoped and dreamed for you but never had success.

We wanted his long lashes and almond shaped eyes, and her pouty mouth would have been a nice surprise.

We prayed and we prayed for our dream to come true, but we were left empty handed with just the thought of you.

But our faith is strong, and our hope is grand;

Our God will not disappoint-he just has different plans.

There’s a special child out there for us, somewhere in this world,

And we don’t know yet if our blessing will be a boy or a girl.

But we do know that we will soon become a family and will no longer weep

And we will sit beneath the shade of the willow tree, and finally feel

Complete.

Josh and Caitlin have been married for 10 years and live in Midlothian, Virginia and hope to start their home study very soon!

Thank you so much Caitlin for sharing this very personal part of your journey to parenthood! 

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