The "I" Word

When you're young, you believe that one small slip up will undoubtedly end in pregnancy. The prom king and queen decide to celebrate their special evening, and bam--baby! It seems like every book and movie where sex is involved equals baby the first time.  So, naturally, our expectations were high that once I was off of  birth control, it would be a matter of months before that magic pee stick gave us the pink line that meant a baby was on its way.

Darn it -- pizza again!

Hundreds of pee sticks later, we still didn't have our positive sign...and the 'I' word started to seem like a possibility. But we soldiered on, knowing that most healthy couples our age conceive within a year. We started tracking ovulation, trying different positions, elevating, drinking carrot juice, practicing witchcraft--kidding about the last one, but seriously, we tried it all.

Harry Potter and the Pregnancy Potion...
it's real fanfiction with a weird twist. 
Seriously--look it up. 😲

After our mandatory year of trying was up, we decided to seek professional help. We maintained our optimism, so sure that with just a little boost, this miracle would be ours. We did all the tests, and none of them gave us any insight about what the issues could be. We began treatments, including all kinds of mood-altering drugs, injections, samples, and ultrasounds. After nine IUI attempts, it was time to face the possibility that we were infertile. I remember feeling angry at my body. Why couldn't it just do this thing it was meant to do!?!?

With the prospect of more medical intervention with the next prescribed step, IVF, it seemed a good time to pause and talk things over. Hubby and I took a long, hard look at how we wanted to continue our journey toward creating our family. We ultimately decided that adoption was the best course for us. We both knew that we wanted to be parents, that we could love a non-biological child just as much as a biological one, and we were done with the infertility treatments!

This is going on your permanent record

The book In On It talks about how infertile couples can realize a loss of their private medical affairs while they struggle to conceive, and even when they announce their plans to adopt. They may feel like they're wearing a big red 'I" on their shirt front, a la The Scarlet Letter. Well meaning friends may say, "did you try rolling around?" or "you need this supplement" or "my friend tried acupuncture and it worked for her," or "just relax, you're too stressed!" Friends and family feel awkward about sharing their own pregnancies, inviting you to a baby shower, or sending that Christmas card with their beautiful brood on it when they know that even though you are happy for them, it puts your own barrenness into harsher light. It's a hard topic for anyone close to you to broach.

When we were providing our medical histories to the adoption agency as part of our application, I took at peek at my medical history. Fit as a fiddle, it might as well have said, except for one, tiny, little thing: FEMALE INFERTILITY. Even though we've moved on to our adoption journey, this deficiency will always haunt us.

But opening up about our infertility has actually brought us closer to friends, family, and coworkers. Once we announced our adoption, we had many people open up to us in return about their own struggles, often telling us that they've never let others know about this part of their lives. So, in the end, it's been our journey, with all its ups and downs, that has led us to the place we are now, which is waiting for an expectant mom to chose us to care for her most precious creation.