The Home Study: Licensed to Parent

Today's article sounds like the title of a B movie action flick, but it's true, we are literally "Licensed to Parent."

If you're not familiar with the adoption or foster process, or are just getting started, part of being eligible for placement is going through a rigorous screening called a Home Study (or sometimes Home Visit). The point of the Home Study is to make sure that not only is your home safe and a good environment to raise a child in, but also that you are mentally, physically, and financially fit to parent.

To complete the Home Study, you will meet with your assigned social worker several times over the course of a month or two depending on how quickly you want to move things forward. For our Home Study, at least two of these meetings had to occur in our home. You will also have to complete some other tasks, which may include:

• Providing financial information such as:
• tax returns
• paystubs
• employment verification
• Housing and Financial Statement
• References from non-family members.
• Medical history and a signed form from your doctor.
• Disclosing any criminal history.
• Signed HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996) forms.
• A child referral form or something similar. In it, you will indicate your preferences for the child you will match with. This is one of the hardest forms to fill out, so pick a time when you and your partner are relaxed with a glass of wine. You can indicate your comfort level with:
• Degree of openness, e.g. open, semi-open, or closed adoption
• Sex of the child (our agency does not offer this choice, which was fine with us).
• Age of the child 
• Race of the child
• Substance exposures like alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana, opiates, etc.
• Birth family medical history including depression, autism, etc.
• Monetary birth family assistance

Our First Interview

The first time we met our social worker was at her office. This was the part where she interviewed us together, asking us about how me met, why we wanted to adopt, our views on raising children, and other details about our lives. I remember feeling so nervous, but my hubby held my hand as we walked into the agency together, and our social worker was very kind and easy to talk to. I was also so happy to be taking this big step in the adoption process.

Our Second Interview

The next meeting took place in our home, which means that we went on an insane cleaning spree and read every article I could find about what the social worker would be looking for during her visit. I replaced open bookcases full of our wedding china and DVD collection with cabinets that closed, replaced smoke detector batteries, bought a fire extinguisher, bought a fireplace screen, got electrical socket plugs and went on a cleaning rampage from top to bottom. We even resurrected my husband's window washing talents from back when he "squeaked" for a summer job and made every glass surface sparkle. We made sure the dogs had lots of exercise so they would be on their best behavior. We were super antsy about this step, even though we knew that our home was already a nearly perfect place to welcome our baby.

When our social worker arrived, the dogs were on their best behavior (our husky turned up the charm big time), and everything went really well. She did a walk-through of the house, noting a few minor improvements and suggestions. She did not open drawers or peek into closets or put on the white gloves. Then she interviewed us individually. These individual interviews were pretty intense. She dove into our childhood, probing about friends and family and how we were raised. We were asked about how we were disciplined, how we felt about ourselves growing up, important moments in our lives. If we'd ever been to counseling or committed a crime. Then more about our relationships with each other and what we will value as parents. We provided her with more paperwork, scheduled her next visit, and then said our goodbyes.

Husky charm. Works every time.

Our Third Interview

Our third and final home study was once again in our home. This one was pretty fast. Everything went smoothly again. The dogs were fantastic (our social worker wanted to take our husky home), we had corrected the minor issues she had identified on her last visit, and we had another short interview together. She also answered some of our questions and then we were done!

It took a few weeks for our social worker to type up the Home Study report and give her recommendation for our approval. After that, we were officially Licensed to Parent and ready to begin our adoption waiting game. Overall, the Home Study wasn't too daunting a procedure. With some foresight and preparation you too can ace this task! Check out the tips below.

License to parent interview. Click to enlarge

Tips for a smooth home study

Note: Every agency, entity, state, or jurisdiction is different. Some of these suggestions may differ based on the age of the placed child or if you are a foster to adopt parent. This is by no means a complete list of what you can expect, but it should give you a good place to start.

• Relax! 
• Get a good night's sleep the night before.
• Take half a day off of work if you can. You'll want to be calm and focused before the visit, and you may want to have time to process everything over lunch with your partner after it's over.
• Have any paperwork ready to go and in an easily retrievable place.
• Make sure your home is clean, but it doesn't have to be spotless! No one is getting out their white gloves. :)
• You don't have to have a nursery prepared, just a game plan about where the baby will sleep. You may want to have a room identified for them, but it doesn't have to be set up. (This is different for a foster situation of course)
• To reduce stress, try to break up the cleaning/organizing duties in the weeks leading up to your home study so you're not scrambling the night before or the day of!
• Identify and correct potential hazards in your home by:

• Protecting sharp corners with corner guards.
• Closing off open fireplaces.
• Protecting heat sources like stoves, furnaces, water heaters.
• Plugging open electrical sockets and securing power cords.
• Securing low cabinets with child safety locks. I like the magnetic ones.
• Moving fragile or sharp items out of reach.
• Move all cleaning and pest control products up to high shelves.
• Installing baby gates at top of stairs or to block off non-baby friendly areas. 
• Make sure any weapons like firearms are stored in a secure manner like a safe. Bullets should be stored separately and also securely. Lock up the Hattori Hanzo swords.
• Research pool safety requirements, e.g. fences and locked gates of a certain height around the pool.

• Make sure smoke and carbon dioxide detectors are in working order and installed according to code, e.g. in California, smoke detectors are required in every bedroom.
• Some agencies or states may want a fire extinguisher in the kitchen.
• Make sure any pets are fed and well exercised so they are happy and well behaved.
• Make sure pets are up-to-date on vaccinations (especially rabies) and proof of this available if asked.
• Treat your social worker as an honored guest. Offer a beverage and a comfy spot for any interviews. Some people in our adoption classes set out hors d'oeuvres or sweets. These couples reported that the social worker didn't partake, but it was a nice gesture.

Good luck! You've got this!

American Mombie: The Road to Adoption

Remember when I was on the radio a few weeks ago on the American Mom-bie radio show? If you missed it, check out the recording below! In it, I talk with my best friend and show host about:

• Our adoption journey
• Infertility treatments
• Agency selection
• Our home study
• Mombies who inspire
• Things or products I love
• Questions I have for DJ Mombie

Check out the recording below!



Show Notes

Stuff mentioned in this show:

• A Touch of LA (adoption brochures)
• American Mom-bie radio show (listen Mondays from 1pm-2pm PST) 
• I've Loved you Since Forever (children's book by Hoda Kotb)
• DaVinci Olive Upholstered Swivel Glider with Bonus Ottoman, Grey (our glider)
• Adoption Connection (adoption agency in San Francisco)

April 23rd is World Book Day!

It's World Book Day! While every day should be book day in my humble opinion, today is the day when the magic of books is given a day of its own.

Since I was small, I have devoured books by the shelf. I couldn't ever get enough. J.R.R Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Brian Jacques, Richard Adams, Rudyard Kipling, Stephen King--I worshiped their written word. I remember that my dad would read Arabian Nights or other classics to us while we piled up on my brother's bunk bed, always eager to hear the next story. Or I would read with my little brother--I could always get him to break in to a huge grin at the end of Green Eggs and Ham..."Saaaaay, I like green eggs and ham...I do, I do, I do like them Sam I am." I would raid the big honey oak built-in bookcase in our living room, always hungry for more. Luckily I come from a line of readers, so there was always a new book to discover, or we would spend the day at the library, hauling home armloads of books to transport us to other worlds.

I was such a book nerd that my best friend in middle school, Sarah, and I would have sleepovers that would culminate in an hour or so of reading before falling asleep. Pretty wild stuff, I know. An aside: Sarah has great taste and I loved raiding her bookshelves. I credit her for my love of a good mystery. And there was always a cat or two to curl up with at her house.

Like I said, every day is book day to me, but I love the idea of a day when I can gush about my love of books, and you can gush about yours, and we can nerd out about books together in a world sanctioned manner.

When we began our adoption journey nearly a year ago, we turned to books to help educate ourselves about all the ins and outs of adoption. And there are so many fantastic books out there on a myriad of topics. You can check out this post about how to discover some books about adoption as chosen by fellow readers. Books can also help you teach your adopted child about their own family makeup with all the fantastic children's books geared toward adopted children.

Check out some of our book reviews for information on some adoption related reads (more coming soon)!

Ways to Celebrate World Book Day

• Start that book you've been meaning to read!
• Get some free Amazon kindle books: https://www.amazon.com/article/read-the-world --Upgrade to Audible for only $1.99!
• Go to the library and find a new book!
• Vow to read one chapter of whatever book you're reading every night before bed. 
• Take a book with you wherever you go so when you're bored or caught waiting, you can read instead of scroll. 

Happy Earth Day 2018!

Happy Earth Day everyone! While there isn't a clear tie in for an adoption blog, caring for the earth and leaving it a healthy and beautiful place for all children is something I care about. This isn't about politics, religion, nationality, your sports team, Coke vs. Pepsi, if Jack could have fit on the board with Rose at the end of Titanic, or whatever other million ways we divide ourselves from one another. This is about our home.

So I implore you to make an effort this day and every day to use less, pollute less, walk more, pick up more. I know that sometimes our little efforts to make a switch from single-use water bottles to a reusable water bottle or bringing our own bags to the grocery store isn't much in the scheme of things, but change starts with you. A small action can have a ripple effect. No matter how you feel about climate change or fracking or offshore drilling, we can all agree that our planet's resources are not infinite. If we continue as normal and don't make changes, the world may be a different place for our children, and our children's children. For example, plastic does not decompose, but instead breaks down into tiny, toxic sponges that end up in our oceans and in our seafood. So, this earth day, please consider making one change for the next year. Here are some ideas:

• Ditch single-use water bottles and get a water filtration device (like Pur or Brita) and a reusable water bottle. We use Hydroflask.
• Bring your own silverware and plates and cups to work rather than using disposable.
• Buy and use reusable bags for groceries and produce (yes, you can do that!).
• Ditch the Keurig and make a pot of coffee or french press it!
• Stop using a straw when possible, or use a reusable one.
• Walk or ride a bike when the journey is less than a mile.
• Trade in your gas guzzler for a more efficient car.
• Check out minimalism: the idea that emotionally detaching from stuff can improve your well-being and curb hyper-consumption.
• If you see trash, PICK IT UP--even if it isn't yours!!! Not only are you keeping our planet cleaner, you're showing others that it's okay to stoop down and pick up garbage. I sometimes bring a small trash bag with me while walking my dogs to pick it up as I see it. Or try Plogging (thanks Carrie!). 😜

Like the little Lorax here, I'm on my soapbox, but I implore you to be conscious of the little things this year that seem innocuous. I myself have a terrible time remembering to bring my own silverware to work, and have been using plasticware more often than I care to mention. So my little goal is to cut that habit. And my larger goal is to teach my future child to be conscious of these everyday choices that I mention above.

With that, I wish you all a Happy Earth Day. May your celebration last all year!

Shaleena's Story: The Call That Completed Her Family

As I promised in another post, I have a very special article today with a really sweet story from a person in one of my adoption groups. The story needed more than one short paragraph to tell, and the pictures will make your heart explode.

In my original inquiry to the adoption group members, I'd asked about stork drops or immediate placement, and if anyone in the group had experienced one and could share a little about it including timeline, thoughts and feelings etc. Shaleena from Texas reached out to me about her incredible story:

The Adoption Journal: I’d love to hear more about your immediate placement story! That’s a very quick turnaround that must have involved a lot of quick decisions on your part.

Shaleena: Yes it was definitely crazy! We received a call on a Saturday around lunchtime that a baby had been born the night before around 10pm. All they told us was he was 6 lbs, 5 weeks early. There really was no decision that needed to be made, it felt more like we just got a call that our son was born and we didn't need to decide.

With their little one in the NICU

We got to the hospital that evening around 5. The hospital was 2 hours away. Our agency had always called them "hospital calls" I had honestly never heard of "stork drop" until this post but figured it was our situation. 😊

Shaleena holding her new son

We spent 5 days in the hospital with him then he came home with us. 💚  We also were not chosen by the birth mom, she didn't want to look at profiles or anything, told the agency to pick a family. He was definitely meant for our family and we can't imagine life without him.
 

So lucky to have found each other

The Adoption Journal: Thank you so much for sharing your story and letting us see the pictures from that wonderful day. That one of you looking at him and wiping tears away gets me every time. I'm so happy that you found each other.  ♡

The beautiful family on adoption day!

If you missed the original post about stork drops/immediate placements, you can find it here. Have an adoption story that you want to share? See the Write for Us page.

Book Review: Girl, Wash Your Face

Do you ever finish a book in like a single day, and then can't move on to the next one because it was so good that you're not sure what could possibly follow up what you just read?

But I'm getting ahead of myself...

When we announced our adoption plans to our wider group of family and friends, I got a few messages from folks recommending books, offering stories, and so many congratulations! It was really nice to know that everyone was ready to embrace this new adventure with so much enthusiasm.

I also got this message from Brittany, a friend who I've known since high school:



to which I replied:



Totally clueless but knowing that Brittany would never lead me astray, I searched Rachel Hollis out on Facebook to see what #chictribe was all about. Turns out that Rachel Hollis is self-made media mogul who runs The Chic Site (a lifestyle blog), Chic Media, has her own podcast, is a successful author of both fiction and non-fiction books, and is a wife and a mother of four children. One of these children, her only girl, is adopted. So, I followed her Facebook and added her new non-fiction book to my "to read" pile on Goodreads.

Fast forward to when I started The Adoption Journal a month later. I started planning out books I wanted to talk about on the site. I revisited my Goodreads list, and saw Rachel Hollis' book Girl, Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies about Who You Are So You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be there. Since I've been so incredibly busy, I opted for the author-narrated audio book version, and I'm so glad I did!

Rachel is extremely likable right off the bat. She's encouraging, she's open, she's honest, and, what always appeals to me, she's funny. In fact, a couple hours in, Rachel was reminding me so much of my best friend Ashley, that I texted Ashley to tell her that she would love this book too.

Among all the pithy advice and humorous often embarrassing stories are some truly unjoyful moments in her life. She talks about traumatic topics including her childhood, the suicide of a close family member, recurring bell's palsy and vertigo, relationships, pregnancy, motherhood, and her adoption journey. But Rachel embraces these parts of her life, knowing that they have each shaped her into the person she is today.

I don't want to tell her adoption story here because it is her adoption story, and I couldn't do it justice with a précis (my dorky English major side is showing again). She alludes to the story throughout the book, but she does dedicate an entire chapter to what all went down that I think many of us in the adoption world can relate to or empathize with. I will tell you that it wasn't an easy path for her family. But it has a happy ending, because after everything that she goes through, she finally adopts her little girl Noah.

Rachel affirmed many of my own beliefs about how only we can decide if we will be happy, successful, and healthy. No product you buy nor Pinterest-perfect life will truly fulfill you; that happiness has to come from inside. We are the heroes in our own lives. She also taught me some important new things, including keeping our promises to ourselves. Keeping a promise to yourself means you won't make idle promises, and you will achieve your goals if you can make and keep attainable promises. Instead of "I will run a marathon," start with "I will run a mile a couple of times a week." And those little goals can get bigger as you achieve the smaller ones.

She stresses lifting other women up, refraining from judgement, and not comparing ourselves to others, but rather striving to be the best version of ourselves. She addresses the lies we believe about ourselves, and how to overcome them in an uplifting and positive way that will resonate with women of all walks. Even though she comes from a Christian perspective, this isn't a book for just Christians (I'm non-religious myself), and good advice is good advice. You don't have to believe the whole dogma to appreciate her wisdom.

So, Rachel, I'm very pleased to give you a solid 5 stars on Goodreads.

You can check out some of Rachel's adoption related posts here.

Want your own copy of Girl, Wash Your Face? Or want to share it with everyone you know like I do? Here's how to get your own:

Look Out for Mr. Stork -- Tales and Thoughts on the Stork Drop

Hopefully your stork is more careful

Look out for Mr. Stork

That persevering chap

He'll come along and drop

A bundle in your lap...
Look out for Mr. Stork.

~ Look Out For Mr. Stork, Dumbo

Hopefully that will be stuck in your head for awhile.

So, what is a "Stork Drop?" Well, it's a cutesy way of describing a situation where either the birth of an adoptable child is imminent or recent, and an agency or other adoption entity
is looking for immediate placement for that newborn child. It's also sometimes called "Baby Born." Being an adoptive parent in this situation means that you have probably not had any pre-placement contact with the birthfamily, you may not have medical history, the baby could have some exposures, and the mother may not have known she was pregnant and may not have had prenatal care. Because of the nature of the situation, many of these placements are often closed adoptions.

Not a great bedtime story

The stork bringing a child to the waiting parents is folklore that has been persistent in many cultures. While I thought it was just a clever answer to "where do babies come from?" that didn't involve the Birds and the Bees talk, it actually has a bit more history than that. In European folklore, the legend was made popular by the Hans Christian Anderson story, The Storks, which you can read here. Warning though, like all of his stories, it's a bit disturbing. Really can't believe that was told to children.

Anyway...

Deciding to be on the list for an immediate placement match means that you may have to make a quick decision, weighing the known and unknown. The mother will most likely be in labor or the child was recently born, so getting to the hospital or location sometimes even same day is not uncommon. You will want to have a diaper bag packed and ready to grab at a moment's notice. You have to be flexible and open-minded to what this match could mean for your family.

Why the Stork Drop term is problematic

Using the stork drop term does leave out one very important part: the birthfamily. The stork metaphor portrays an anonymous child being brought to a waiting family, devoid of history or family ties. You can check out this wonderful article by Alissa Kay about why the Stork Drop term is not the ideal way to describe this situation from a mom whose two children were already born and the agency was looking for an immediate placement.

Adoptive mom Robyn "had 90 minutes from phone call to meeting [our son], and then only another 90 minutes before he was in our home. He was 10 days old at placement. I feel like the term stork drop removes the birth family from the equation. I much prefer saying that we were matched with a baby already born."

The agency we are working with, Adoption Connection, refers to this type of placement as an "Immediate Placement" rather than the colloquial Stork Drop. In our Child Placement Referral form, the situation is described as "The baby is born or birth is imminent. You could receive a call with less than 24 hours’ notice prior to taking the baby home. Medical history may not be available at time of placement." So, some agencies and other adoption entities are taking notice of how this term may be problematic as it removes the birthfamily from the equation.

Immediate Placement Stories

Now the fun part! I asked some families in one of my adoption groups to share their immediate placement/baby born stories. And I'm so happy to report that I got to hear some truly beautiful stories and see some adorable photos. Enjoy!

Dan's darling children

We had an immediate placement and was not looking to adopt. A client of mine knew the Bio Mom and literally had the baby within 24 hours. We now also have his brother which we got in the delivery room. With the first baby I was very guarded with my heart due to a failed foster care adoption. It took me near finalization to accept this is really gonna happen. It’s a true blessing. For those of you who have had a failed adoption stay encouraged.

- Dan, Florida 

We were chosen by a birthmom to adopt her son 2 days after he was born. She had originally chosen another woman to adopt him but the woman’s family exhibited some red flags at the hospital after he was born so his birth mama wanted to choose a different family for him. 5 hours after I answered the phone I was holding him.

- Rachel

We had been waiting for 3 years (6 months home study, 2.5 years waiting for placement.) We got a phone call at approximately 3:30 p.m. that we could pick our son up the next day at noon. We had NOTHING. He was four days old when we brought him home. We have no other kids so when I say we had nothing, I truly mean it. We had planned on quitting the program at the end of the year. I was 44 at the time and while my husband is younger than me, we just were getting frustrated, emotionally spent, and I was getting worried about how old I was getting lol. So, we got the call and had 20 hours to prepare. We cleaned our Kmart and Target that night lol. It didn’t truly sink in for a few months.

- Kathy, Illinois


We found out about our son on a Wednesday, met his mom on Thursday and brought him home on that Friday. We are in KY. He was 7 months old and it was a private placement. We had been expecting a newborn match so we had to run out like crazy and buy a high chair and older baby stuff like cups and baby food. It was a crazy whirlwind and amazing. 

- Diana 

We got a call on July 1 asking if we wanted a 5 week old who was being moved. My worker said we needed to decide in 24 hours. Of course we said yes, we picked him up July 5. Had nothing for a baby...it was an experience.

- Jackie  

We had a baby born placement as well. Jan 8, 2016. We found out about him two days after Christmas, he was born the day after Christmas. He was 12 days old at placement.

- Bruce-Christina

We weren’t even looking to adopt but found out about the baby on Friday, officially said yes on Sunday, and he was born 12 hours later (2 months early). He went directly home with us from the NICU, at 2 1/2 weeks old.

- Laurie 

We got a call on a Wednesday that a baby had been born the night before, we met him and birth parents Thursday, and Friday we were parents!  

- Erin 

I'm pretty sure that would describe our youngest son. Born on Sunday and got the call that evening. He was home with us on Tuesday. We would have had him a day earlier, but we needed time to prep. Nearly 32 years later, and I still shake my head in disbelief that lives can change so quickly.

- Anne 

Thank you all so much for sharing your beautiful stories! Stay tuned for our next post when we will share one very special story from another adoption group member about her family's immediate placement. Get your tissue box ready. 

Adoptees Who Inspire: Jamie Foxx

Essential comedy right here

Ah Jamie Foxx. A very talented and multidimensional man. I first knew him from his exceptionally raunchy stand up comedy. He made Chris Rock look tame by comparison! His boxed set is still part of our home comedy collection.

However, Jamie is so much more than dirty humor and loud suits.

Jamie Foxx was born Eric Morlon Bishop in Texas on December 13, 1967. Shortly after birth, he was adopted by his mother's own adoptive parents. He had little contact with his birthparents after the adoption.

His parents raised him in a strict baptist household in Terrell, Texas, which was still racially segregated at that time. At five he learned to play the piano, and later played in his church as a teenager. He even started dabbling in stand up in third grade when his teacher would reward the class for good behavior by allowing Jamie/Eric to entertain the class with his jokes.

In high school, Jamie excelled in both basketball and football (as quarterback), and aspired to play for the Dallas Cowboys! He was part of a band called Leather and Lace. His extreme talents helped him get a scholarship to the United States International University, where he studied classical  musical and composition.

Jamie's recurring character Wanda from In Living Color

Eric became Jamie not long after he began performing at open mics at local comedy clubs after his girlfriend dared him to. After he found out that female comics were usually called up first, he wanted a more ambiguous first name to disallow biases, and the new last name was a tribute to the legendary comedian Redd Foxx.

Now Jamie Foxx, his career took off quickly. He became a cast member of In Living Color in 1991, and went on to have his own show, The Jamie Foxx Show from 1996-2001.

Too talented to be contained by the television screen, he made the jump to film in the 1992 movie Toys, which launched him in to many more memorable roles. His talent was recognized with top honors when he won the Best Actor in a Leading Role Oscar for his portrayal of Ray Charles in the film Ray.

An excerpt from his 2005 Oscar speech, when he thanks his mom for being a huge reason for his success:

Jamie as Ray Charles

"This is probably going to be the toughest part of this speech. My daughter shares my grandmother's name: Marie. My grandmother's name is Estelle Marie Talley. And she's not here tonight. And this is going to be the toughest part. But she was my first acting teacher. She told me, "Stand up straight. Put your shoulders back. Act like you got some sense." We would go places and I would wild out, and she says, "Act like you've been somewhere." And then when I would act the fool, she would beat me. She would whup me. And she could get an Oscar for the way she whupped me because she was great at it. And after she whipped me, she would talk to me and tell me why she whipped me, said, "I want you to be a southern gentleman." And she still talks to me now; only now she talks to me in my dreams. And I can't wait to go to sleep tonight because we got a lot to talk about. I love you."

Just beautiful. The whipping part is bit rough, but the sentiment is so sweet. What a lovely tribute to the woman who raised him.

Jamie's success didn't stop with his golden statue. He's continued to show his range and talent to this day, even appearing on the Kanye West song Gold Digger and Georgia with Ludacris and Field Mob. He's also released five of his own studio albums. Other notable film appearances include Collateral, Dream Girls, Django Unchained, The Soloist, and so many more.

Despite being a Hollywood big timer,  Jamie still finds time to show his appreciation for adoption. In 2003, he appeared in the A Home for the Holidays, part of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption CBS special. In it, he shared his adoption story and encouraged others to adopt or foster in turn. He returned in 2008 again to share this tribute, which you can watch below.


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Check out some of our other Adoptees who Inspire.

One month of The Adoption Journal!

On March 12, 2018, I started The Adoption Journal as a way to discuss books, people, preparation, and personal experiences in the adoption world. The site has changed a lot within that month while shaping it into a community for all things adoption, and while I remember how to write for fun again. I'd like to thank you all for your continued support!

Here are the numbers:

• 10,522 page views
• 22 posts
• 14 followers
• 2 comments 
• 1 name change
• 1 guest writer

The top 5 most viewed posts:

1. Let's Talk Adoption Brochures
2. Guest Writer: Memorializing Infertility
3. Happy March 25th!
4. Birthmoms who Inspire: Kate Mulgrew
5. American Mom-bie Radio Show
   
   
   So much more to come! Stay tuned.

The "I" Word

When you're young, you believe that one small slip up will undoubtedly end in pregnancy. The prom king and queen decide to celebrate their special evening, and bam--baby! It seems like every book and movie where sex is involved equals baby the first time.  So, naturally, our expectations were high that once I was off of  birth control, it would be a matter of months before that magic pee stick gave us the pink line that meant a baby was on its way.

Darn it -- pizza again!

Hundreds of pee sticks later, we still didn't have our positive sign...and the 'I' word started to seem like a possibility. But we soldiered on, knowing that most healthy couples our age conceive within a year. We started tracking ovulation, trying different positions, elevating, drinking carrot juice, practicing witchcraft--kidding about the last one, but seriously, we tried it all.

Harry Potter and the Pregnancy Potion...
it's real fanfiction with a weird twist. 
Seriously--look it up. 😲

After our mandatory year of trying was up, we decided to seek professional help. We maintained our optimism, so sure that with just a little boost, this miracle would be ours. We did all the tests, and none of them gave us any insight about what the issues could be. We began treatments, including all kinds of mood-altering drugs, injections, samples, and ultrasounds. After nine IUI attempts, it was time to face the possibility that we were infertile. I remember feeling angry at my body. Why couldn't it just do this thing it was meant to do!?!?

With the prospect of more medical intervention with the next prescribed step, IVF, it seemed a good time to pause and talk things over. Hubby and I took a long, hard look at how we wanted to continue our journey toward creating our family. We ultimately decided that adoption was the best course for us. We both knew that we wanted to be parents, that we could love a non-biological child just as much as a biological one, and we were done with the infertility treatments!

This is going on your permanent record

The book In On It talks about how infertile couples can realize a loss of their private medical affairs while they struggle to conceive, and even when they announce their plans to adopt. They may feel like they're wearing a big red 'I" on their shirt front, a la The Scarlet Letter. Well meaning friends may say, "did you try rolling around?" or "you need this supplement" or "my friend tried acupuncture and it worked for her," or "just relax, you're too stressed!" Friends and family feel awkward about sharing their own pregnancies, inviting you to a baby shower, or sending that Christmas card with their beautiful brood on it when they know that even though you are happy for them, it puts your own barrenness into harsher light. It's a hard topic for anyone close to you to broach.

When we were providing our medical histories to the adoption agency as part of our application, I took at peek at my medical history. Fit as a fiddle, it might as well have said, except for one, tiny, little thing: FEMALE INFERTILITY. Even though we've moved on to our adoption journey, this deficiency will always haunt us.

But opening up about our infertility has actually brought us closer to friends, family, and coworkers. Once we announced our adoption, we had many people open up to us in return about their own struggles, often telling us that they've never let others know about this part of their lives. So, in the end, it's been our journey, with all its ups and downs, that has led us to the place we are now, which is waiting for an expectant mom to chose us to care for her most precious creation.

Guest Writer: Memorializing Infertility

Please welcome our first guest writer, Caitlin Helton! She kindly shares her unique method of memorializing her past infertility and moving on to the next step in her journey to parenthood: adoption. 
 

I can still remember that feeling of hopelessness when my doctor informed us that I had Diminished Ovarian Reserve.  My husband and I wanted nothing more than to have a baby. So even with that diagnosis, we marched on and went through a series of fertility treatments in hopes that we would beat the odds. After six failed IUI’s and thousands of dollars, we decided it was time to take a break and gather our thoughts. Our doctor told us we needed to either move on to IVF or consider adoption.  I’d heard of women going through several rounds of IVF, sometimes successful, sometimes not. I just couldn’t fathom one more injection, one more painful procedure, one more grueling test.  So, my husband and I decided to consider adoption. 

Caitlin and hubby with the memorial willow tree

As I do with everything in life, I threw myself into ‘adoption mode’-joining every adoption Facebook group I could find, getting my hands on every Adoption-101 book, talking with people I knew who had already adopted. We even met with an adoption attorney to learn the basics. I even created our adoption profile book in under two months and hadn’t even started saving for the home study.  My life was completely engulfed in adoption. 

 

Then it was pointed out to me that I had gone straight from infertility—to adoption, and never gave myself, and my husband, a chance to grieve. I guess I had pushed it down so deep so that I didn’t have to think about it. I started seeing a therapist who helped me learn how to grieve over the loss, because it is a loss. It’s a loss that not many people discuss and not many know about, but it is very real. She suggested we have a memorial service as a way to help with our closure, and suggested we plant a tree. Surprisingly, we both had always wanted to plant a willow tree, so it was very fitting. I wrote a little poem and set it under the tree before planting it. It was so cathartic and has really helped me to end that part of my story and continue on with the next chapter. I’m sure I will still have painful days ahead, but acknowledging this grief has helped me more than I ever thought possible.

Willow

It’s time to move on and end this chapter; we have tried our very best.

We wished and hoped and dreamed for you but never had success.

We wanted his long lashes and almond shaped eyes, and her pouty mouth would have been a nice surprise.

We prayed and we prayed for our dream to come true, but we were left empty handed with just the thought of you.

But our faith is strong, and our hope is grand;

Our God will not disappoint-he just has different plans.

There’s a special child out there for us, somewhere in this world,

And we don’t know yet if our blessing will be a boy or a girl.

But we do know that we will soon become a family and will no longer weep

And we will sit beneath the shade of the willow tree, and finally feel

Complete.

Josh and Caitlin have been married for 10 years and live in Midlothian, Virginia and hope to start their home study very soon!

Thank you so much Caitlin for sharing this very personal part of your journey to parenthood! 

If you'd like to be a guest writer on The Adoption Journal, please see the Contact Us page for details and ideas!

Adoption in Fiction: Harry Potter and the Rotten Dursleys

Hi my name is Kira and I'm a Potterhead.

Since the series is one of my favorites, I want to begin my Adoption in Fiction series by discussing  the adoption themes within the Harry Potter series. I plan on sharing these books and movies with our child as soon as I can. I'll play the audiobooks for them when they're little (these are fantastic by the way), and graduate to the illustrated versions when they're a bit older. So, how to address the adoption themes within the story as they pertain to Harry?


The Dursleys

"[The Dursleys] are your family, after all, and I'm sure you are fond of each other — er — very deep down." ~ Cornelius Fudge

The Dursley's are forced to adopt their nephew Harry when his parents are murdered by Lord Voldemort. From the time he's dumped at their doorstep, the Dursley's treat him badly. They spoil their own son Dudley in over-the-top fashion (but boy was that magically bestowed pig tail scene satisfying), and even force Harry to live in a cupboard under the stairs!

This is a certainly a very negative adoption/guardianship portrayal, most likely stemming from his Aunt Petunia's harbored resentment toward her magically gifted sister.

Naturally, Harry returns their dislike, and lives a tortured existence “...in my room, making no noise and pretending I'm not there.” He endures lies about his parents, horrible Aunt Marge, and general Cinderella treatment. Luckily, Harry finds family beyond his kin.



The Weasleys


“[Harry’s]’s not your son,” said Sirius quietly. “He’s as good as,” said Mrs. Weasley fiercely. “Who else has he got?”
 

She will bewitch this pot if you mess with her kids.

When Harry meets the Weasleys, he finally sees a real family and a real home. The family takes him under wing, and Molly even considers him a son (never enough sons for this woman!). Ron and his brothers treat him like he's one of them, and Arthur becomes a confidant and fatherly figure. And Ginny, well, sister is probably not the right way to think about her, haha! 😏

Sirius Black

Harry finds out he has a godfather the way most of us do: by finding out he exists because he was charged with murder and escaped from a maximum security prison, but in reality was just exacting revenge on the man who betrayed his best friend.

Sirius' cuddly side

Sirius represents a link to Harry's father James, and the two quickly forge a strong bond that is not always strictly parental, but Sirius loves Harry fiercely, and would protect him at all costs. Harry dreams of living with Sirius and leaving the Dursley nightmare...but alas J.K. hates us and made us endure the torture of Sirius' death and leaving Harry once again without one of his father figures. Maybe fewer fleas though...

Dumbledore

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore (it actually does roll of the tongue) quickly becomes a parental, grandfatherly figure in Harry's life. He acts as a spiritual guide at first, helping Harry understand his place in the world, and directing his course through life in a variety of ways.

Don't forget that I dumped you at the Dursley's

Harry begins to depend on Dumbledore as the story progresses, and his mentor gives him more challenges and responsibilities as the story progresses. And then, of course, he dies. Luckily, at this point, Harry has been given all the tools and support he needs to become an independent and strong person, and although this parental figure in his life is gone, he is able to carry on the tasks laid before him because of the guidance that Dumbledore provided.

My Thoughts

Because Harry's legal guardians are terrible people, he searches for family within his community, and finds many people who care for him. The adoption/guardianship aspect is negative at first. However, since Harry is able to find and bond with people who love him despite the fact that they share no blood means that there are positive adoptive themes within the story, and that the Dursley's mistreatment was due to a situation far beyond Harry's control. Through his resilience and willingness to be loved and to love in return, he finds family.

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." ~ Albus Dumbledore

Stuff to consider

• What do you think about how adoption is portrayed in Harry Potter? 
• How would you address the adoption themes in this book with your kids?
• What adoption themes did I miss? 

Books in this post

Aren't these illustrated version gorgeous? If you'd like to add them to your library, you can find them at your local, independent bookstore, or on Amazon: